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\ˈlü-səd\ : \ˈtwī-ˌlīt\
Links facebook / deviantart / twitter / authonomy June 2012
 
 
 
 
 
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Fri, Jun. 22nd, 2012 01:12 am

I'm afraid to write.

I can't tell you why. I haven't figured out why, only that the layers and layers of muddly things I put between me and what I actually intend to do exist solely to stave off that fear of actually sitting down and committing to something.

It's risky, of course. It's huge. I've already been piecing it together for nearly two years now and can't even claim to be halfway done. To actually finish it will undoubtedly take several more years of my life, and I've been down that road before. Committing myself to a project wholeheartedly only to have it ripped from my hands at the last moment, nearly there, almost finished still slick and smooth with months of my blood poured in it.

If I pull this off, there'll be no hiding. It's getting harder to hide as it is; people are starting to catch on that I'm not just all right at stringing a few words together into a passable aesthetic. Word is starting to get out I'm pretty damn great at it. And if I sit down, if I commit to all those words and lives and worlds and minute details I have to figure out because I'm not just creating something new - no, I'm changing the past ten years of what is and dear God 2002 was a long time ago -

If I do that, and finish it, then I'll have to sell it. Sell me. Put myself out there and not shrink back. Not skirt the shadows. I'll have to go chasing it. And what then? What do I do then? It's pass or fail at that point, no grey area to linger in.

I do so love the grey areas.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. Succeeding and failing. Aren't both equally terrifying? Either way, you don't have what you did anymore. Either way, you have to change.

I said last time my words aren't worth listening to, and that's true. Mine aren't. But my creatures... That's another story.

The other question is, and perhaps this is really where the heart of my fear lies - what if I sit down to do this thing and realise I can't?

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Sun, Jun. 17th, 2012 11:55 pm
There's this fundamental need to connect. To communicate. To share whatever shit we're going through with someone, anyone. Another person we can see, touch and hear, who validates our perceptions and experiences. Our existence.

Everyone's talking about disconnection. Disconnection and globalisation. The world gets smaller and we get further apart. We don't buy birthday cards or drop by for coffee. We like status updates and send text messages. For a lot of us, our most significant relationships are with people who don't share the same post code. Maybe not even the same country. For a lot of us, we look at new friendships with suspicion and distance because we know each of them has a shelf life. 36 months, 24, 12. That's the amount of time before one of us moves somewhere else so let's not get too close because this is all just temporary.

My best friend. Soul mate, really. Lives on the other side of the world and I know the amount of times we see each other in person will be stretched out over years and measured in days. Sometime over the next couple of years I'll have to decide where I'm going to live somewhat permanently, and yeah, sure. I could use his city. I have pieces in my heart planted all over the continental US and I've thought, at one point, how much I wish I lived in the same city as every one of them. Following that thought is the fear of being too close. I've gotten so used to them all being voices on phones and text on screens, the idea of doing the face-to-face terrifies me.

This week has been rough. My cat's been sick, and at one point, I spent an entire day contemplating what the quality of my life would be like if she died and how much I depend on her for stability. Yes, I know. A cat is the basis for my stability. She's been the only consistent thing in my life for the past ten years. Everything else has changed every 6-12 months.

There was a blow up with my ex/former collaborator. It didn't need to be like that, but he's not the easiest person to talk to. A lot of things were said purely out of spite and malice. As per my usual wounded-animal routine, I hid from everyone who would refute what was said about me. Not the best move, but at least I'm consistent.

Somewhere along the line I plateaued in a depressive episode. Brought on by one or the other or just shitty timing, I've really stopped trying to pick out whether or not there's a reason for each chemical malfunction because it really doesn't change it.

Today is Father's Day. 7 months and 4 days after my dad died. I know there are a lot of things I haven't resolved about that. I haven't deleted his phone number from my contacts yet. We're rounding out the year of firsts, though. His birthday in three months. The anniversary of his death a month and a half after that.

There's no reason anyone should have any interest in what I have to say. In fact, there's a lot I don't say on a daily basis for that very reason. But there's that impulse I mentioned. To take whatever is rolling around in my head and inflict it on someone else.

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Mon, Oct. 17th, 2011 12:46 am
i have fucked up so much in my life i honestly don't think redemption is possible.

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Wed, Oct. 5th, 2011 10:57 pm
god damn you.
for everything you did.
and didn't do.
for everything you couldn't.
god damn you.

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Mon, Sep. 26th, 2011 07:21 am

I'm in love with my best friend.
And I want to go around to everyone and say
see how amazing this person is?
except I can't, because I'm not supposed to be in love with him.

So I'm going to tell you:

He's perfect.
He's kind, generous and compassionate on par with saints (and sometimes to his own detriment). He is so, so intelligent and creative, and funny even though he tries to be very, very serious (actually, a lot of times because he tries to be very, very serious). And adorable.

I wish I could be more like him in a lot of ways.

And maybe I like a little bit that I'm not supposed to be in love with him, because what if we tried and it didn't work? What if I picked him to pieces like I do and have done with everyone else until I stop seeing all the great and amazing things about him and only see the annoying little quirks? Then I wouldn't have my best friend anymore.

And that would be worse than anything else.

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Wed, May. 18th, 2011 11:32 pm

North Shields is not for me.

A person can't live every second terrified of one simple, little phrase coming from the mouth of one, specific person.

Current Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne

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Wed, May. 18th, 2011 07:50 pm

I'm restless and prowly and there are only about a million things I need to be brave for.

I have this recurring fear that you're going to disappear. That every day another piece of you will evaporate into the air until one day I reach for your hand and nothing's there.

I think I'm going to get on the Metro and go to North Shields.
I'm in love with an apartment there.

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Current Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne

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Wed, May. 18th, 2011 06:13 am

I lived in my old apartment building in Elkins, but it was set up like my Dad's old house, except instead of two rooms side by side, there were three, and each was an apartment, but the stairs weren't in the right place. I worked at the Old Brick, but instead of being in that theatre, we were in the one at D&E. We stayed late after a performance, and then there were kids showing up for a class at 11:30 PM that we had to keep redirecting to a different part of the theatre.

I went home, but Nick's apartment was empty. It had been for awhile. Neko had the apartment at the end. Nick between us. He was there sometimes, but not always. Sometimes he'd just come for a day, sometimes not at all. The lock on Nick's apartment was busted, and I was supposed to be checking on it for him. Keeping things straight. The sort of things you do in someone's apartment when they're away. I was worried about the door being unlocked and things getting stolen, so I started taking things from his apartment to keep in mine. Obvious things like the XBox and the stereo. I left him a note. Then I started thinking about his paintings and the things that only had value to him. In the process I ended up at Neko's apartment. He was drawing something. A comic, maybe. There were comic-y, watercolour drawings all over the walls. I stood behind him and watched him for a minute, and then he turned around and smiled and I kissed him. We sat on his bed and I asked how long he was staying, and he said we could talk about that later. He didn't say it, but I heard I keep thinking how to tell you I'm going to Vancouver to live of off... I took his hand and tugged and said 'Come with me,' meaning we'd go have a cigarette, and he smiled and said, 'I'm glad. Every time I try to relax now ...' I lost the rest of it because I woke up terrified of something completely unknown. There was nothing scary about the dream, but I'm afraid. Afraid enough to take my meds. Twice. But they're not working.

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Current Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne

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Sun, May. 15th, 2011 02:29 pm

I have a book. Yes, I do.
And you can buy it here.
£9.99 for paperback, £14.99 for hardback, and the e-book is £1.

It is, among other things, a collection of poetry, prose and photography, and I have to say it's incredibly gratifying to hold it in my little hands after what has now been months of putting it together and tweaking the most ridiculous little details.

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Current Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Current Music: Ministry

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Wed, May. 4th, 2011 04:42 pm

Most of this week seems to have been bent on destroying every ounce of faith I have in humanity. From the excessive and psychotic reaction of a former friend to a false assumption (on his part) to the various reactions to Bin Laden's death to the more personal trials two of my absolute favourite people are dealing with at the moment despite the fact that they have both worked very hard to be positive, helpful and understanding. Right about Tuesday I may have snapped a little bit and came to the conclusion that kindness and decency will never be rewarded. In fact, not only will they not be rewarded, but they will be actively trampled on and destroyed, so what's the point?

I know a lot of people think that way, and most of us feel that way at some point or another, but the concept of karmic energy and carefully monitoring one's output of negative energy versus positive energy into the world is a pretty central point to my faith (which isn't any one thing or another but my own). So the concept of not extending myself to help those who need it whenever I can is something similar to a religious person doubting the existence of God. There aren't even a handful of times I've seriously doubted the purpose in doing that. I've even had to spend many patient long hours explaining to people exactly why they should let me help them and that, oddly enough, I really don't expect anything in return, especially since most of them aren't capable of repaying me at all in the same way. Then again, what you get in return from another person isn't always something that can be measured in worth.

I have one friend in particularly who is incredibly uncomfortable with my various gifts. None of the gifts are particularly extravagant. I used to take him to Denny's quite a bit when I lived there to make sure he ate, and I've ordered meats for him, but mostly I just give him ridiculous little things that I know will make him smile and forget the stress he's under for a few minutes. Sometimes a few minutes of not thinking the world is going to crash in on you is worth everything. And I know he appreciates it. In all honesty, even if I weren't especially fond of him, I'd continue to give him so much just because he is so insistent that he be independent. Every once in awhile he'll wear me down, and I'll let him do something nice for me. But mostly I'm just content with a smile.

Anyway. So this week. Between all of that, I was very seriously questioning the purpose of giving anything to anyone. Not money or food or just listening when someone needs to be heard, but even that very basic effort of befriending and interacting with someone else. Taking the time to get to know someone and learn who they are and what makes them tick. I thought: what's the point if they're just going to turn on you at the drop of a hat? Why bother if they're just going to try to rewrite who you are and make you feel ashamed of where you come from?

Fortunately the universe looks out for me. It likes to push me to the very edge of my limits, but it does look out for me. And today has been one of those days that reminds me what the point is: There are real people out there. There are decent people out there. There are people still trying to be the best person they can be, for themselves and for their fellow human beings, because they understand that our actions affect not only ourselves right now, but have lasting implications that affect those around us, and continue to affect those who come after us. Maybe there aren't a lot of them, and maybe they aren't in the majority, but they are out there, which means there is hope.

Neko is taking on the dragons today. My evening, his afternoon. I'm anxious for him, and with him. We think enough alike I know what's going through his head, because I know what would be going through mine, and what is. I'm not anxious because I have any doubt in him. Even in my most uncertain points when I need him to verbally affirm certain things, I never truly doubt him. There are just some things you need to hear once in awhile. I'm anxious because I know that while there is a lot of hope and possibility in the world, what is right is not always what wins. Because while he is so, so strong is ways I can never be, he is also so, so fragile in ways I will never be. If I had my way, I would keep him in a padded, pristine box where nothing could ever harm him in any way, even though I know that in itself would be harmful. So I hold my breath while he heads into the a more passive type of warfare and hope he comes back intact. Because if he doesn't, I can't bandage up the wounds and soothe away the fears. All I can do is feel what he feels and offer trite words in exchange for raw hurt and will him to somehow siphon off the strength I have in excess through the phone line.

But. If all of us believe strongly enough at the same time, there will be change.

"I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time."

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Current Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne

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